This year it’s become clear that I can’t keep putting myself through a constant battle. I did it from childhood because I felt like I was always playing catch up, somehow. Not aware of the mental prison the abuse in boarding school had left me in. What it had done to my instincts, how much time it stole from me, or that it took my voice. My ability to choose my own words. This in itself caused a lot of trauma over the years. It also meant that when I did learn to communicate I was faced with a decision.

 

I had spent months looking at promises made to the community. At professionals giving out misinformation, and seeing too many autistic people in pain. Learning to communicate as I was posting meant constantly feeling pressure. I just couldn’t give up after months of planning.

 

I honestly didn’t think I had a hope. Realising how much I had misread the world, meant the mountain I had to climb kept growing. More challenges and hurdles than I could possibly imagine. Plus I was dealing with a lot at home too. I was sharing my life as lived with my wife, but scared that somehow my pain would transfer to her. That she would feel what I went through, and it would separate us.

 

I didn’t go into this knowing my talents and abilities, I found a lot of them in the journey. However, time was the one obstacle that I couldn’t escape from. Two months before my autism assessment I was going to go back on morphine full time. I couldn’t cope with the relentlessness of the physical pain anymore. I decided to wait until after the appointment so I could try to get the answer I was looking for. Why my life ended up the way it did, despite my best efforts, and fighting for pretty much everything.

 

In the end my friend said that she’d support me no matter what. That the decision was mine, but she was in my corner regardless. So I kept posting, because I wasn’t looking to try to change the world myself, just to inspire the person that would.

 

All our best and love

Ross Fraser and Jeni Dern

 

 

www.mylifeautistic.com

Words – Ross A Fraser

Graphic Design App – Canva

#NewLifeAutistic

 

#mentalhealthadvocate #together #community #actuallyautistic #autismacceptance

 

Past.

“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.”

Rick Warren

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